Church Extension
by
TO THE EDITOR OF THE MORNING CHRONICLE.
Sir–A well-known classical traveller, while employed in exploring, some time since, the supposed site of the Temple of Diana of Ephesus, was so fortunate, in the course of his researches, as to light upon a very ancient bark manuscript, which has turned out, on examination, to be part of an old Ephesian newspaper;–a newspaper published, as you will see, so far back as the time when Demetrius, the great Shrine-Extender,[1] flourished.
I am, Sir, yours, etc.
EPHESIAN GAZETTE.
Second edition.
Important event for the rich and religious!
Great Meeting of Silversmiths held in Queen Square;–
Church Extension, their object,–the excitement prodigious;–
Demetrius, head man of the craft, takes the chair!
Third edition.
The Chairman still up, when our devil came away;
Having prefaced his speech with the usual state prayer,
That the Three-headed Dian would kindly, this day,
Take the Silversmiths’ Company under her care.
Being askt by some low, unestablisht divines,
“When your churches are up, where are flocks to be got?”
He manfully answered, “Let us build the shrines,[2]
“And we care not if flocks are found for them or not.”
He then added–to show that the Silversmiths’ Guild
Were above all confined and intolerant views–
“Only pay thro’ the nose to the altars we build,
“You may pray thro’ the nose to what altars you choose.”
This tolerance, rare from a shrine-dealer’s lip
(Tho’ a tolerance mixt with due taste for the till)–
So much charmed all the holders of scriptural scrip,
That their shouts of “Hear!” “Hear!” are re-echoing still.
Fourth edition.
Great stir in the Shrine Market! altars to Phoebus
Are going dog-cheap–may be had for a rebus.
Old Dian’s, as usual, outsell all the rest;–
But Venus’s also are much in request.
NOTES:
[1] “For a certain man named Demetrius, a silversmith, which made shrines for Diana, brought no small gain unto the craftsmen: whom he called together with the workmen of like occupation, and said, Sirs, ye know that by this craft we have our wealth[…to be completed…
[2] The “shrines” are supposed to have been small churches, or chapels, adjoining to the great temples.