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SHOWING HOW MR. HIRAM TWINE “PLAYED OFF” ON SMITH.[1]

Vide licet. Dere vas a fillage whose vote alone vouldt pe
Apout enof to elegdt a man und give a mayority,
So de von who couldt “scoop” dis seddlement vouldt make a lucky hit,
But dough dey vere Deutschers, von und all, dey all go von on Schmit.

Now id hoppinet to gome to bass, dat in dis little town,
De Deutsch vas all exshpegdin’ dat Mishder Schmit coom down,
His brinciples to foresetzen und his idées to deach-
( Id est, fix oop de brifate pargains) – und telifer a pooplic shbeech.

Now Twine vas a gyrotwistive cuss ash blainly ish peen shown,
Und vas always an out-findin’ votefer might pe known,
Und mit some of his circumswindles he fix de matter so,
Dat he’d pe himself at dis meeding, und see how dings vas go.

Oh shdrangely in dis leben de dings kits vorked apout,
Oh voonderly Fortuna makes doorn us inside out.
Oh sinkular de loock-vheel rolls – dis liddle meeding dere,
Fixt Twine ad perpendiculum: – shoosh suit him to a hair.

Now it hopponet on dis efenin’, de Deutschers von und all,
Vere erwaitin’ mit oonpatience de onfang of de Ball,
Und de shates of nighdt vere fallin’ und de shdars pegin to plink,
Und dey vish dat Schmit vouldt hoory, for ’twas dime to dake a trink.

Dey hear some hoofs a dramplin’ – und dey saw und dinked dey know’d,
De bretty greature coomin’ on his horse entlang de road,
Und ash he ride town invard de likeness vas so blain,
Dey donnered out “Hoora for Schmit!” enof to make it rain.

Der Twine vas shdart like plazes – boot oop shdardet too his vit,
Und he dinks, “Great turnips! – vhot if I couldt bass for Colonel Schmit!
Gaul darn my heels I’ll do it – and go the total swine,
Oh soap balls! – what a chance!” said dis dissembulatin’ Twine.

Denn’twas “Willkomm! willkomm! Mishder Schmit!” rings aroom on efery site,
Und “First-rate – how dy do, yourself?” der Hiram Twine replied,
Dey ashk him “Coom und dake a trink” – boot dey find id mighdy gueer,
Vhen Twine informed em none boot hogs vould trink dat shtinkin’ bier.

Dat lager vas nodings boot boison, und as for Sharman wein,
He dinks it vas erfounden exbressly for Sharman schwein,
Dat he himself was a demperanceler, dat he gloria in de name,
Und adfised dem all for tecence’s sake to go und do de same.

Dese bemarks, among de Deutschers, vere apout as vell receife,
Ash cats in a game of den-pins – ash you may of coorse peliefe,
De heats of de recebtion vent down a dootzen degrees,
Und in blace of hurraws was only heardt de roostlin’ of de drees.

Und so in solemn stille dey scorched him to de hall,
Vhere he maket de crate oradion vhitch vas so moosh to blease dem all,
Und dis vay he pegin it: “Pefore I furder go,
I vish dat my obinions, you puddin-het Dutch, shouldt know.

“Und eher I norate furder, I dink it only fair,
Ve shouldt oonderstand each oder, prezackly, chunk and square;
Dere are points on vitch ve tisagree, und I will plank de facts-
I tont go round slanganderin’ my friendts pehind deir packs.

“So I beg you dake it easy, if on de raw I touch,
Vhen I say I can’t apide de sound of your groonting shishing Dootch,
Should I in de Legisladure as your slumgullion stand,
I’ll have a bill forbidding Dutch, droo all dis ‘versal land.