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THE worst of ills, with jealousy compared,
Are trifling torments ev’ry where declared.

IMAGINE, to yourself a silly fool,
To dark suspicion grown an easy tool;
No soft repose he finds, by night or day;
But rings his ear, he’s wretched ev’ry way!
Continually he dreams his forehead sprouts;
The truth of reveries he never doubts.
But this I would not fully guaranty,
For he who dreams, ’tis said, asleep should be;
And those who’ve caught, from time to time, a peep,
Pretend to say–the jealous never sleep.

A MAN who has suspicions soon will rouse;
But buz a fly around his precious spouse,
At once he fancies cuckoldom is brought,
And nothing can eradicate the thought;
In spite of reason he must have a place,
And numbered be, among the horned race;
A cuckold to himself he freely owns,
Though otherwise perhaps in flesh and bones.

GOOD folks, of cuckoldom, pray what’s the harm,
To give, from time to time, such dire alarm?
What injury ‘s received, and what ‘s the wrong,
At which so many sneer and loll their tongue?
While unacquainted with the fact, ’tis naught;
If known:–e’en then ’tis scarcely worth a thought.
You think, however, ’tis a serious grief;
Then try to doubt it, which may bring relief,
And don’t resemble him who took a sup,
From out the celebrated magick cup.
Be warned by others’ ills; the tale I’ll tell;
Perhaps your irksomeness it may dispel.

BUT first, by reason let me prove, I pray,
That evil such as this, and which you say,
Oft weighs you down with soul-corroding care;
Is only in the mind:–mere spright of air:
Your hat upon your head for instance place,
Less gently rather than’s your usual case;
Pray, don’t it presently at ease remain?
And from it do you aught amiss retain?
Not e’en a spot; there’s nothing half so clear;
The features, too, they as before appear?
No difference assuredly you see?
Then how can cuckoldom an evil be?
Such my conclusion, spite of fools or brutes,
With whose ideas reason never suits.

YES, yes, but honour has, you know, a claim:
Who e’er denied it?–never ’twas my aim.
But what of honour?–nothing else is heard;
At Rome a different conduct is preferred;
The cuckold there, who takes the thing to heart,
Is thought a fool, and acts a blockhead’s part;
While he, who laughs, is always well received
And honest fellow through the town believed.
Were this misfortune viewed with proper eyes,
Such ills from cuckoldom would ne’er arise.

THAT advantageous ’tis, we now will prove:
Folks laugh; your wife a pliant glove shall move;
But, if you’ve twenty favourites around,
A single syllable will ne’er resound.
Whene’er you speak, each word has double force;
At table, you’ve precedency of course,
And oft will get the very nicest parts;
Well pleased who serves you!–all the household smarts
No means neglect your favour to obtain;
You’ve full command; resistance would be vain.
Whence this conclusion must directly spring:
To be a cuckold is a useful thing.

AT cards, should adverse fortune you pursue;
To take revenge is ever thought your due;
And your opponent often will revoke,
That you for better luck may have a cloak:
If you’ve a friend o’er head and ears in debt:
At once, to help him numbers you can get.
You fancy these your rind regales and cheers
She’s better for it; more beautiful appears;
The Spartan king, in Helen found new charms,
When he’d recovered her from Paris’ arms.