FullReads

PHILIP
. Well, one isn’t in the trenches all the time. And one gets leave–if one’s an officer.

EMILY
. (reproachfully). You didn’t spend much of it with us, Philip.

PHILIP
(taking her hands). I know; but you did understand, didn’t you, dear?

EMILY
. We’re not very gay, and I know you must have wanted gaiety for the little time you had. But I think your Uncle James felt it. After all, dear, you’ve lived with us for some years, and he is your guardian.

PHILIP
. I know. You’ve been a darling to me always, Aunt Emily. But (awkwardly) Uncle James and I–

EMILY
. Of course, he is a little difficult to get on with. I’m more used to him. But I’m sure he really is very fond of you, Philip.

PHILIP
. H’m! I always used to be frightened of him…. I suppose he’s just the same. He seemed just the same last night–and he still has breakfast at eight o’clock. Been making pots of money, I suppose?

EMILY
. He never tells me exactly, but he did speak once about the absurdity of the excess-profits tax. You see, jam is a thing the Army wants.

PHILIP
. It certainly gets it.

EMILY
. It was so nice for him, because it made him feel he was doing his bit, helping the poor men in the trenches.

[Enter MARY.]

MARY
. Mrs. Higgins wishes to speak to you, ma’am. (She looks at PHILIP as much as to say, “There you are!”)

EMILY
(getting up). Yes, I’ll come. (To PHILIP) I think I’d better just see what she wants, Philip.

PHILIP
(firmly to MARY). Tell Mrs. Higgins to come here. (MARY hesitates and looks at her mistress.) At once, please. [Exit MARY.]

EMILY
(upset). Philip, dear, I don’t know what Mrs. Higgins will say–

PHILIP
. No; nobody seems to. I thought we might really find out for once.

EMILY
(going towards the door). Perhaps I’d better go–

PHILIP
(putting his arm round her waist). Oh no, you mustn’t. You see, she really wants to see me.

EMILY
. You?

PHILIP
. Yes; I ordered breakfast five minutes ago.

EMILY
. Philip! My poor boy! Why didn’t you tell me? and I daresay I could have got it for you. Though I don’t know what Mrs. Higgins–

(An extremely angry voice is heard outside, and MRS. HIGGINS, stout and aggressive, comes in.)

MRS. HIGGINS
(truculently). You sent for me, ma’am?

EMILY
(nervously). Yes–er–I think if you–perhaps–

PHILIP
(calmly). I sent for you, Mrs. Higgins. I want some breakfast. Didn’t Mary tell you?

MRS. HIGGINS
. Breakfast is at eight o’clock. It always has been as long as I’ve been in this house, and always will be until I get further orders.

PHILIP
. Well, you’ve just got further orders. Two eggs, and if there’s a ham–

MRS. HIGGINS
. Orders. We’re talking about orders. From whom in this house do I take orders, may I ask?

PHILIP
. In this case from me.

MRS. HIGGINS
(playing her trump-card). In that case, ma’am, I wish to give a month’s notice from to-day. Inclusive.

PHILIP
(quickly, before his aunt can say anything). Certainly. In fact, you’d probably prefer it if my aunt gave you notice, and then you could go at once. We can easily arrange that. (TO AUNT EMILY as he takes out a fountain pen and cheque-book) What do you pay her?

EMILY
(faintly). Forty-five pounds.

PHILIP
(writing on his knee). Twelves into forty-five…. (Pleasantly to MRS. HIGGINS, but without looking up) I hope you don’t mind a Cox’s cheque. Some people do; but this is quite a good one. (Tearing it out) Here you are.