A GENTLEMAN of City fameNow claims your kind attention;East India broking was his game,His name I shall not mention:No one of finely-pointed senseWould violate a confidence,And shall I goAnd do it? No!His name I shall not mention. He had a trusty wife and true,And very cosy quarters,A manager, a boy or two,Six clerks, and seven […]

In all the towns and cities fairOn Merry England’s broad expanse,No swordsman ever could compareWith THOMAS WINTERBOTTOM HANCE. The dauntless lad could fairly hewA silken handkerchief in twain,Divide a leg of mutton too–And this without unwholesome strain. On whole half-sheep, with cunning trick,His sabre sometimes he’d employ–No bar of lead, however thick,Had terrors for the […]

The REVEREND MICAH SOWLS,He shouts and yells and howls,He screams, he mouths, he bumps,He foams, he rants, he thumps. His armour he has buckled on, to wageThe regulation war against the Stage;And warns his congregation all to shun“The Presence-Chamber of the Evil One,” The subject’s sad enoughTo make him rant and puff,And fortunately, too,His Bishop’s […]

Of all the good attorneys whoHave placed their names upon the roll,But few could equal BAINES CAREWFor tender-heartedness and soul. Whene’er he heard a tale of woeFrom client A or client B,His grief would overcome him soHe’d scarce have strength to take his fee. It laid him up for many days,When duty led him to […]

I’ve often thought that headstrong youthsOf decent education,Determine all-important truths,With strange precipitation. The ever-ready victims they,Of logical illusions,And in a self-assertive wayThey jump at strange conclusions. Now take my case: Ere sorrow couldMy ample forehead wrinkle,I had determined that I shouldNot care to be a winkle. “A winkle,” I would oft advanceWith readiness provoking,“Can seldom […]

“Gentle, modest little flower,Sweet epitome of May,Love me but for half an hour,Love me, love me, little fay.”Sentences so fiercely flamingIn your tiny shell-like ear,I should always be exclaimingIf I loved you, PHOEBE dear. “Smiles that thrill from any distanceShed upon me while I sing!Please ecstaticize existence,Love me, oh, thou fairy thing!”Words like these, outpouring […]

KING BORRIA BUNGALEE BOOWas a man-eating African swell;His sigh was a hullaballoo,His whisper a horrible yell–A horrible, horrible yell! Four subjects, and all of them male,To BORRIA doubled the knee,They were once on a far larger scale,But he’d eaten the balance, you see(“Scale” and “balance” is punning, you see). There was haughty PISH-TUSH-POOH-BAH,There was lumbering […]

An Actor sits in doubtful gloom,His stock-in-trade unfurled,In a damp funereal dressing-roomIn the Theatre Royal, World. He comes to town at Christmas-time,And braves its icy breath,To play in that favourite pantomime,Harlequin Life and Death. A hoary flowing wig his weirdUnearthly cranium caps,He hangs a long benevolent beardOn a pair of empty chaps. To smooth his […]

No nobler captain ever trodThan CAPTAIN PARKLEBURY TODD,So good–so wise–so brave, he!But still, as all his friends would own,He had one folly–one alone–This Captain in the Navy. I do not think I ever knewA man so wholly given toCreating a sensation,Or p’raps I should in justice say–To what in an Adelphi playIs known as “situation.” […]

Letters, letters, letters, letters!Some that please and some that bore,Some that threaten prison fetters(Metaphorically, fettersSuch as bind insolvent debtors)–Invitations by the score. One from COGSON, WILES, and RAILER,My attorneys, off the Strand;One from COPPERBLOCK, my tailor–My unreasonable tailor–One in FLAGG’S disgusting hand. One from EPHRAIM and MOSES,Wanting coin without a doubt,I should like to pull […]

A BISHOP once–I will not name his see–Annoyed his clergy in the mode conventional;From pulpit shackles never set them free,And found a sin where sin was unintentional.All pleasures ended in abuse auricular–The Bishop was so terribly particular. Though, on the whole, a wise and upright man,He sought to make of human pleasures clearances;And form his […]

I once did know a Turkish manWhom I upon a two-pair-back met,His name it was EFFENDI KHANBACKSHEESH PASHA BEN ALLAH ACHMET. A DOCTOR BROWN I also knew–I’ve often eaten of his bounty;The Turk and he they lived at Hooe,In Sussex, that delightful county! I knew a nice young lady there,Her name was EMILY MACPHERSON,And though […]

O’er unreclaimed suburban claysSome years ago were hobblin’An elderly ghost of easy ways,And an influential goblin.The ghost was a sombre spectral shape,A fine old five-act fogy,The goblin imp, a lithe young ape,A fine low-comedy bogy. And as they exercised their joints,Promoting quick digestion,They talked on several curious points,And raised this delicate question:“Which of us two […]

Policeman PETER forth I dragFrom his obscure retreat:He was a merry genial wag,Who loved a mad conceit.If he were asked the time of day,By country bumpkins green,He not unfrequently would say,“A quarter past thirteen.” If ever you by word of mouthInquired of MISTER FORTHThe way to somewhere in the South,He always sent you North.With little […]

Strike the concertina’s melancholy string!Blow the spirit-stirring harp like anything!Let the piano’s martial blastRouse the Echoes of the Past,For of AGIB, PRINCE OF TARTARY, I sing! Of AGIB, who, amid Tartaric scenes,Wrote a lot of ballet music in his teens:His gentle spirit rollsIn the melody of souls–Which is pretty, but I don’t know what it […]

MACPHAIRSON CLONGLOCKETTY ANGUS McCLANWas the son of an elderly labouring man;You’ve guessed him a Scotchman, shrewd reader, at sight,And p’r’aps altogether, shrewd reader, you’re right. From the bonnie blue Forth to the lovely Deeside,Round by Dingwall and Wrath to the mouth of the Clyde,There wasn’t a child or a woman or manWho could pipe with […]

BOB POLTER was a navvy, andHis hands were coarse, and dirty too,His homely face was rough and tanned,His time of life was thirty-two. He lived among a working clan(A wife he hadn’t got at all),A decent, steady, sober man–No saint, however–not at all. He smoked, but in a modest way,Because he thought he needed it;He […]

I am the very pattern of a modern Major-Gineral.I’ve information vegetable, animal, and mineral;I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical,From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;I’m very well acquainted too with matters mathematical,I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,About binomial theorem I’m teeming with a lot o’ news,With many […]

(To be sung to the Air of “An ‘Orrible Tale.”) Oh list to this incredible taleOf THOMSON GREEN and HARRIET HALE;Its truth in one remark you’ll sum–“Twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twum!” Oh, THOMSON GREEN was an auctioneer,And made three hundred pounds a year;And HARRIET HALE, most strange to say,Gave pianoforte lessons at a […]

If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am:I’m a genuine philanthropist–all other kinds are sham.Each little fault of temper and each social defectIn my erring fellow creatures, I endeavor to correct.To all their little weaknesses I open people’s eyesAnd little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise;I love my fellow […]