Enjoy this? Share it!

137 Works of Thomas Moore

Search Amazon for related books, downloads and more Thomas Moore

The Glad New Day

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

And why should not that land rejoice, And darkness flee away, When on its dim, benighted hills Has dawned the glad new day? For now behold the shepherds go, The wondrous babe to see; Ah, then methinks that all around Was one grand jubilee! Rejoice, ye nations blest with peace, Let all the earth be […]

ADDRESSED TO A LATE RADICAL MEETING. –“quas ipsa decus sibi dia Camilladelegit pacisque bonas bellique ministras.”VERGIL. As Whig Reform has had its range,And none of us are yet content,Suppose, my friends, by way of change,We try a Female Parliament;And since of late with he M.P.’sWe’ve fared so badly, take to she’s–Petticoat patriots, flounced John Russells,Burdetts […]

—in Metii decenaat Judicis aures.HORAT. As snug in his bed Lord Henley lay,Revolving much his own renown,And hoping to add thereto a rayBy putting duets and anthems down, Sudden a strain of choral soundsMellifluous o’er his senses stole;Whereat the Reformer muttered “Zounds!”For he loathed sweet music with all his soul. Then starting up he saw […]

PARODY ON SIR CHARLES HAN. WILLIAMS’S FAMOUS ODE,“COME, CLOE, and GIVE ME SWEET KISSES.” “We want more Churches and more Clergymen.”Bishop of London’s late Charge. “rectorum numerum, terris pereuntibus augent.”Claudian in Eutrop. Come, give us more Livings and Rectors,For, richer no realm ever gave;But why, ye unchristian objectors,Do ye ask us how many we crave?[1] […]

A Sad Case

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

“If it be the undergraduate season at which this rabies religiosa is to be so fearful, what security has Mr. Goulburn against it at this moment, when his son is actually exposed to the full venom of an association with Dissenters?” —The Times, March 25. How sad a case!–just think of it–If Goulburn junior should […]

–risum tenaetis, amici “The longer one lives, the more one learns,”Said I, as off to sleep I went,Bemused with thinking of Tithe concerns,And reading a book by the Bishop of FERNS,[1]On the Irish Church Establishment.But lo! in sleep not long I lay,When Fancy her usual tricks began,And I found myself bewitched awayTo a goodly city […]

A letter having been addressed to a very distinguished personage, requesting him to become the Patron of this Orange Club, a polite answer was forthwith returned, of which we have been fortunate enough to obtain a copy. Brimstone-hall, September 1, 1828. Private,–Lord Belzebub presentsTo the Brunswick Club his compliments.And much regrets to say that heCan […]

“nec tu sperne piis venientia somnia portis:cum pia venerunt somnia, pondus liubent.”PROPERT. lib. iv. eleg. 7. As snug, on a Sunday eve, of late,In his easy chair Sir Andrew sate,Being much too pious, as every one knows,To do aught, of a Sunday eve, but doze,He dreamt a dream, dear, holy man,And I’ll tell you his […]

Air-“Come live with me and be my love.” Come wed with me and we will write,My Blue of Blues, from morn till night.Chased from our classic souls shall beAll thoughts of vulgar progeny;And thou shalt walk through smiling rowsOf chubby duodecimos,While I, to match thy products nearly,Shall lie-in of a quarto yearly.‘Tis true, even books […]

Puir, profligate Londoners, having heard tellThat the De’il’s got amang ye, and fearing ’tis true,We ha’ sent ye a mon wha’s a match for his spell,A chiel o’ our ain, that the De’il himselWill be glad to keep clear of, ane Andrew Agnew. So at least ye may reckon for one day entireIn ilka lang […]

Awful Event

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

Yes, Winchelsea (I tremble while I pen it),Winehelsea’s Earl hath cut the British Senate–Hath said to England’s Peers, in accent gruff,“That for ye all”[snapping his fingers] and exit in a huff! Disastrous news!–like that of old which spread,From shore to shore, “our mighty Pan is dead,”O’er the cross benches (cross from being crost)Sounds the loud […]

Whene’er you’re in doubt, said a Sage I once knew,‘Twixt two lines of conduct which course to pursue,Ask a woman’s advice, and, whate’er she advise,Do the very reverse and you’re sure to be wise. Of the same use as guides the Brunswicker throng;In their thoughts, words and deeds, so instinctively wrong,That whatever they counsel, act, […]

Alas! my dear friend, what a state of affairs!How unjustly we both are despoiled of our rights!Not a pound of black flesh shall I leave to my heirs,Nor must you any more work to death little whites. Both forced to submit to that general controllerOf King, Lords and cotton mills, Public Opinion,No more shall you […]

ah quoties dubies Scriptis exarsit amator.OVID. The Ghost of Miltiades came at night,And he stood by the bed of the Benthamite,And he said, in a voice that thrilled the frame,“If ever the sound of Marathon’s nameHath fired thy blood or flusht thy brow,“Lover of Liberty, rouse thee now!” The Benthamite yawning left his bed–Away to […]

REVOLUTION IN THE DICTIONARY–ONE GALT AT THE HEAD OF IT. God preserve us!–there’s nothing now safe from assault;–Thrones toppling around, churches brought to the hammer;And accounts have just reached us that one Mr. GaltHas declared open war against English and Grammar! He had long been suspected of some such design,And, the better his wicked intents […]

Resolutions

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

PASSED AT A LATE MEETING OF REVERENDS AND RIGHT REVERENDS. Resolved–to stick to every particleOf every Creed and every Article;Reforming naught, or great or little,We’ll stanchly stand by every tittle,And scorn the swallow of that soulWhich cannot boldly bolt the whole.[1]Resolved that tho’ St. AthanasiusIn damning souls is rather spacious–Tho’ wide and far his curses […]

Irish Antiquities

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

According to some learned opinionsThe Irish once were Carthaginians;But trusting to more late descriptionsI’d rather say they were Egyptians.My reason’s this:–the Priests of Isis,When forth they marched in long array,Employed, ‘mong other grave devices,A Sacred Ass to lead the way;And still the antiquarian traces‘Mong Irish Lords this Pagan plan,For still in all religious casesThey put […]

A Curious Fact

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

The present Lord Kenyon (the Peer who writes letters,For which the waste-paper folks much are his debtors)Hath one little oddity well worth reciting,Which puzzleth observers even more than his writing.Whenever Lord Kenyon doth chance to beholdA cold Apple-pie–mind, the pie must be cold–His Lordship looks solemn (few people know why),And he makes a low bow […]

Sir,– Most of your readers are no doubt acquainted with the anecdote told of a certain not over-wise judge who, when in the act of delivering a charge in some country court-house, was interrupted by the braying of an ass at the door. “What noise is that?” asked the angry judge. “Only an extraordinary echo […]

SCENE.–Penenden Plain. In the middle, a caldron boiling. Thunder.–Enter three Brunswickers. 1st Bruns.–Thrice hath scribbling Kenyon scrawled, 2d Bruns.–Once hath fool Newcastle bawled, 3d Bruns.–Bexley snores:–’tis time, ’tis time, 1st Bruns.–Round about the caldron go;In the poisonous nonsense throw.Bigot spite that long hath grownLike a toad within a stone,Sweltering in the heart of Scott,Boil we […]

A BALLAD Air.–“Sleep on, sleep on, my Kathleen dear.salvete, fratres Asini. ST. FRANCIS. Write on, write on, ye Barons dear,Ye Dukes, write hard and fast;The good we’ve sought for many a yearYour quills will bring at last.One letter more, Newcastle, pen,To match Lord Kenyon’s two,And more than Ireland’s host of men,One brace of Peers will […]

“The parting Genius is with sighing sent.”MILTON. It is o’er, it is o’er, my reign is o’er;I hear a Voice, from shore to shore,From Dunfanaghy to Baltimore,And it saith, in sad, parsonic tone,“Great Tithe and Small are dead and gone!” Even now I behold your vanishing wings,Ye Tenths of all conceivable things,Which Adam first, as […]

“We are told that the bigots are growing old and fast wearing out. If it be so why not let us die in peace?”–LORD BEXLEY’S Letter to the Freeholders of Kent. Stop, Intellect, in mercy stop,Ye curst improvements, cease;And let poor Nick Vansittart dropInto his grave in peace. Hide, Knowledge, hide thy rising sun,Young Freedom, […]

1828. What, you, too, my ******, in hashes so knowing,Of sauces and soups Aristarchus profest!Are you, too, my savory Brunswicker, goingTo make an old fool of yourself with the rest? Far better to stick to your kitchen receipts;And–if you want something to tease–for variety,Go study how Ude, in his “Cookery,” treatsLive eels when he fits […]

Stanzas Written in Anticipation of Defeat.[1] 1828. Go seek for some abler defenders of wrong,If we must run the gantlet thro’ blood and expense;Or, Goths as ye are, in your multitude strong,Be content with success and pretend not to sense. If the words of the wise and the generous are vain,If Truth by the bowstring […]

BY ONE OF THE BOARD. 1828. Let other bards to groves repair,Where linnets strain their tuneful throats;Mine be the Woods and Forests whereThe Treasury pours its sweeter notes. No whispering winds have charms for me,Nor zephyr’s balmy sighs I ask;To raise the wind for RoyaltyBe all our Sylvan zephyr’s task! And ‘stead of crystal brooks […]

Stanzas from the Banks of the Shannon.[1] 1828. “Take back the virgin page.”MOORE’S Irish Melodies. No longer dear Vesey, feel hurt and uneasyAt hearing it said by the Treasury brother,That thou art a sheet of blank paper, my Vesey,And he, the dear, innocent placeman, another.[2] For lo! what a service we Irish have done thee;–Thou […]

The Annual Pill

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

Supposed to be sung by OLD PROSY, the Jew, in the character of Major CARTWRIGHT. Vill nobodies try my nice Annual Pill,Dat’s to purify every ting nashty avay?Pless ma heart, pless ma heart, let ma say vat I vill,Not a Chrishtian or Shentleman minds vat I say.‘Tis so pretty a bolus!–just down let it go,And, […]

“If” and “Perhaps.”[1] Oh tidings of freedom! oh accents of hope!Waft, waft them, ye zephyrs, to Erin’s blue sea,And refresh with their sounds every son of the Pope,From Dingle-a-cooch to far Donaghadee. “If mutely the slave will endure and obey,“Nor clanking his fetters nor breathing his pains,“His masters perhaps at some far distant day“May think […]

1828. Oft have I seen, in gay, equestrian pride,Some well-rouged youth round Astley’s Circus rideTwo stately steeds–standing, with graceful straddle,Like him of Rhodes, with foot on either saddle,While to soft tunes–some jigs and some andantes—He steers around his light-paced Rosinantes. So rides along, with canter smooth and pleasant,That horseman bold, Lord Anglesea, at present;–Papist and […]

qui facit per alium facit per se. ‘Mong our neighbors, the French, in the good olden timeWhen Nobility flourisht, great Barons and DukesOften set up for authors in prose and in rhyme,But ne’er took the trouble to write their own books. Poor devils were found to do this for their betters;–And one day a Bishop, […]

“Cosi quel fiato gli spiriti maliDi qua, di la, di giu, di su gli mena.” Inferno, canto 5. I turned my steps and lo! a shadowy throngOf ghosts came fluttering towards me–blown along,Like cockchafers in high autumnal storms,By many a fitful gust that thro’ their formsWhistled, as on they came, with wheezy puff,And puft as–tho’ […]

Lament for the Loss of Lord Bathurst’s Tail.[1] All in again–unlookt for bliss!Yet, ah! one adjunct still we miss;–One tender tie, attached so longTo the same head, thro’ right and wrong.Why, Bathurst, why didst thou cut offThat memorable tail of thine?Why–as if one was not enough–Thy pig-tie with thy place resign,And thus at once both […]

A PARABLE.[1] 1838. See those cherries, how they coverYonder sunny garden wall;–Had they not that network over,Thieving birds would eat them all. So to guard our posts and pensions,Ancient sages wove a net,Thro’ whose holes of small dimensionsOnly certain knaves can get. Shall we then this network widen;Shall we stretch these sacred holes,Thro’ which even […]

Enigma

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

monstrum nulla virtute redemptum. Come, riddle-me-ree, come, riddle-me-ree,And tell me what my name may be.I am nearly one hundred and thirty years old,And therefore no chicken, as you may suppose;–Tho’ a dwarf in my youth (as my nurses have told),I have, every year since, been out-growing my clothes:Till at last such a corpulent giant I […]

BY A DANDY KEPT IN TOWN. “vox clamantis in deserto.” 1827. Said Malthus one day to a clownLying stretched on the beach in the sun,–“What’s the number of souls in this town?”–“The number! Lord bless you, there’s none. “We have nothing but dabs in this place,“Of them a great plenty there are;–But the soles, please […]

1828. Next week will be published (as “Lives” are the rage)The whole Reminiscences, wondrous and strange,Of a small puppy-dog that lived once in the cageOf the late noble Lion at Exeter ‘Change. Tho’ the dog is a dog of the kind they call “sad,”‘Tis a puppy that much to good breeding pretends;And few dogs have […]

Ode To Don Miguel

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

Et tu, Brute! 1828.[1] What! Miguel, not patriotic! oh, fy!After so much good teaching ’tis quite a take-in, Sir;First schooled as you were under Metternich’s eye,And then (as young misses say) “finisht” at Windsor![2] I ne’er in my life knew a case that was harder;–Such feasts as you had when you made us a call!Three […]

Speech On the Umbrella Question.[1]BY LORD ELDON. 1827. “vos inumbrelles video.”–Ex Juvenil.GEORGII CANNINGII.[2] My Lords, I’m accused of a trick that God knows isThe last into which at my age I could fall–Of leading this grave House of Peers by their noses,Wherever I choose, princes, bishops and all. My Lords, on the question before us […]

A Pastoral Ballad

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

BY JOHN BULL. Dublin, March 12, 1827.–Friday, after the arrival of the packet bringing the account of the defeat of the Catholic Question, in the House of Commons, orders were sent to the Pigeon-House to forward 5,000,000 rounds of musket-ball cartridge to the different garrisons round the country.–Freeman’s Journal. I have found out a gift […]

a Late Scene At Swanage.[1] regnis EX sul ademptis.–Verg. 1827. To Swanage–that neat little town in whose bayFair Thetis shows off in her best silver slippers–Lord Bags[2] took his annual trip t’other day,To taste the sea breezes and chat with the dippers. There–learned as he is in conundrums and laws–Quoth he to his dame (whom […]

Wo! Wo!

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

Wo! Wo![1] Wo, wo unto him who would check or disturb it–That beautiful Light which is now on its way;Which beaming, at first, o’er the bogs of Belturbet,Now brightens sweet Ballinafad with its ray! Oh Farnham, Saint Farnham, how much do we owe thee!How formed to all tastes are thy various employs.The old, as a […]

“If in China or among the natives of India, we claimed civil advantages which were connected with religious usages, little as we might value those forms in our hearts, we should think common decency required us to abstain from treating them with offensive contumely; and, though unable to consider them sacred, we would not sneer […]

Hat Versus Wig

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

1827. “At the interment of the Duke of York, Lord Eldon, in order to guard against the effects of the damp, stood upon his hat during the whole of the ceremony.” —metus omnes et inexorabile fatumsubjecit pedibus, strepitumque Acherontis avari. ‘Twixt Eldon’s Hat and Eldon’s WigThere lately rose an altercation,–Each with its own importance big,Disputing […]

“To Panurge was assigned the Laird-ship of Salmagundi, which was yearly worth 6,789,106,789 ryals besides the revenue of the Locusts and Periwinkles, amounting one year with another to the value of 2,485,768,” etc.–RABELAIS. “Hurra! hurra!” I heard them say,And they cheered and shouted all the way,As the Laird of Salmagundi went.To open in state his […]

BATCH THE FIRST. “His ‘prentice han’He tried on man,And then he made the lasses.” 1827. “And now,” quoth the Minister, (eased of his panics,And ripe for each pastime the summer affords,)“Having had our full swing at destroying mechanics,“By way of set-off, let us make a few Lords. “‘Tis pleasant–while nothing but mercantile fractures,“Some simple, some […]

A Case Of Libel

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

“The greater the truth, the worse the libel.” A certain Sprite, who dwells below,(‘Twere a libel perhaps to mention where,)Came up incog. some years agoTo try for a change the London air. So well he lookt and drest and talkt,And hid his tail and horns so handy,You’d hardly have known him as he walktFrom C—-e, […]

Wanted–Authors of all-work to job for the season,No matter which party, so faithful to neither;Good hacks who, if posed for a rhyme or a reason.Can manage, like ******, to do without either. If in jail, all the better for out-o’-door topics;Your jail is for travellers a charming retreat;They can take a day’s rule for a […]

The Irish Slave

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

the Irish Slave.[1] 1827. I heard as I lay, a wailing sound,“He is dead–he is dead,” the rumor flew;And I raised my chain and turned me round,And askt, thro’ the dungeon-window, “Who?” I saw my livid tormentors pass;Their grief ’twas bliss to hear and see!For never came joy to them alas!That didn’t bring deadly bane […]

Ode To Ferdinand

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

1827. Quit the sword, thou King of men,Grasp the needle once again;Making petticoats is farSafer sport than making war;Trimming is a better thing,Than the being trimmed, oh King!Grasp the needle bright with whichThou didst for the Virgin stitchGarment, such as ne’er beforeMonarch stitched or Virgin wore,Not for her, oh semster nimble!Do I now invoke thy […]

1826. Great Sultan, how wise are thy state compositions!And oh! above all I admire that Decree,In which thou command’st that all she politiciansShall forthwith be strangled and cast in the sea. ‘Tis my fortune to know a lean Benthamite spinster–A maid who her faith in old Jeremy puts,Who talks with a lisp of “the last […]

utrum horumdirius borun? Incerti Auctoris. What! still those two infernal questions,That with our meals our slumbers mix–That spoil our tempers and digestions–Eternal Corn and Catholics! Gods! were there ever two such bores?Nothing else talkt of night or morn–Nothing in doors or out of doors,But endless Catholics and Corn! Never was such a brace of pests–While […]

–“fessus jam sudat asellus,“parce illi; vestrum delicium est asinus.”VERGIL. Copa. A donkey whose talent for burdens was wondrous,So much that you’d swear he rejoiced in a load,One day had to jog under panniers so ponderous,That–down the poor Donkey fell smack on the road! His owners and drivers stood round in amazeWhat! Neddy, the patient, the […]

“A Christian of the best edition.”–RABELAIS. Canonize him!–yea, verily, we’ll canonize him,Tho’ Cant is his hobby and meddling his bliss,Tho’ sages may pity and wits may despise him,He’ll ne’er make a bit the worse Saint for all this. Descend, all ye Spirits, that ever yet spreadThe dominion of Humbug o’er land and o’er sea,Descend on […]

Air.–Come with me, and we will goWhere the rocks of coral grow. Come with me and we will blowLots of bubbles as we go;Bubbles bright as ever HopeDrew from fancy–or from soap;Bright as e’er the South Sea sentFrom its frothy element!Come with me and we will blowLots of bubbles as we go.Mix the lather, Johnny […]

Dear Coz, as I know neither you nor Miss Draper,When Parliament’s up, ever take in a paper,But trust for your news to such stray odds and endsAs you chance to pick up from political friends-Being one of this well-informed class, I sit downTo transmit you the last newest news that’s in town. As to Greece […]

1826. To the people of England, the humble PetitionOf Ireland’s disconsolate Orangemen, showing–That sad, very sad, is our present condition;–Our jobbing all gone and our noble selves going;– That forming one seventh, within a few fractions,Of Ireland’s seven millions of hot heads and hearts,We hold it the basest of all base transactionsTo keep us from […]

Said Cotton to Corn, t’other day,As they met and exchanged a salute–(Squire Corn in his carriage so gay,Poor Cotton half famished on foot): “Great Squire, if it isn’t uncivil“To hint at starvation before you,“Look down on a poor hungry devil,“And give him some bread, I implore you!” Quoth Corn then in answer to Cotton,Perceiving he […]

1826 A millennium at hand!–I’m delighted to hear it–As matters both public and private now go,With multitudes round us all starving or near it.A good, rich Millennium will come a-propos. Only think, Master Fred, what delight to behold,Instead of thy bankrupt old City of Rags,A bran-new Jerusalem built all of gold,Sound bullion throughout from the […]

The Three Doctors

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

doctoribus loetamur tribus. 1826. Tho’ many great Doctors there be,There are three that all Doctors out-top,Doctor Eady, that famous M. D.,Doctor Southey, and dear Doctor Slop.[1] The purger, the proser, the bard–All quacks in a different style;Doctor Southey writes books by the yard.Doctor Eady writes puffs by the mile![2] Doctor Slop, in no merit outdoneBy […]

Lament, lament, Sir Isaac Heard,Put mourning round thy page, Debrett,For here lies one who ne’er preferredA Viscount to a Marquis yet. Beside him place the God of Wit,Before him Beauty’s rosiest girls,Apollo for a star he’d quit,And Love’s own sister for an Earl’s. Did niggard fate no peers afford,He took of course to peers’ relations;And […]

Ode To A Hat

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

—altum aedificat caput.”JUVENAL 1826. Hail, reverent Hat!–sublime mid allThe minor felts that round thee grovel;–Thou that the Gods “a Delta” callWhile meaner mortals call the “shovel.”When on thy shape (like pyramid,Cut horizontally in two)[1]I raptured gaze, what dreams unbidOf stalls and mitres bless my view! That brim of brims so sleekly good–Not flapt, like dull […]

MONDAY, MARCH 13, 1826. The Budget–quite charming and witty–no hearing,For plaudits and laughs, the good things that were in it;–Great comfort to find, tho’ the speech isn’t cheering,That all its gay auditors were every minute. What, still more prosperity!–mercy upon us,“This boy’ll be the death of me”–oft as, already,Such smooth Budgeteers have genteelly undone us,For […]

(SUNG IN THE CHARACTER OF BRITANNIA.) “The Public Debt is due from ourselves to ourselves, and resolves itself into a Family Account.”–Sir Robert Peel’s Letter. Tune–My banks are all furnisht with bees. My banks are all furnisht with rags,So thick, even Freddy can’t thin ’em;I’ve torn up my old money-bags,Having little or nought to put […]

“I authorized my Committee to take the step which they did, of proposing a fair comparison of strength, upon the understanding that whichever of the two should prove to be the weakest, should give way to the other.” —Extract from Mr. W. J. Bankes’s Letter to Mr. Goulbourn. Bankes is weak, and Goulbourn too,No one […]

1826. TO THE EDITOR OF THE TIMES. Sir–Having just heard of the wonderful resurrection of Mr. Roger Dodsworth from under an avalanche, where he had remained, bien frappe, it seems, for the last 166 years, I hasten to impart to you a few reflections on the subject.–Yours, etc. Laudator Temporis Acti. What a lucky turn-up!–just […]

FROM HIS EXCELLENCY DON STREPITOSO DIABOLO, ENVOY EXTRAORDINARY TO HIS SATANIC MAJESTY. St. James’s Street, July 1, 1826. Great Sir, having just had the good luck to catchAn official young demon, preparing to go,Ready booted and spurred, with a black-leg despatchFrom the Hell here at Crockford’s, to our Hell below– I write these few lines […]

“quem das finem, rex magne, laborum?”VERGIL. 1826. How can you, my Lord, thus delight to torment allThe Peers of the realm about cheapening their corn,[1]When you know, if one hasn’t a very high rental,‘Tis hardly worth while being very high born? Why bore them so rudely, each night of your life,On a question, my Lord, […]

“Now what, we ask, is become of this Sinking Fund–these eight millions of surplus above expenditure, which were to reduce the interest of the national debt by the amount of four hundred thousand pounds annually? Where, indeed, is the Sinking Fund itself?”–The Times. Take your bell, take your bell,Good Crier, and tellTo the Bulls and […]

BY SIR THOMAS LETHBRIDGE. “legiferoe Cereri Phoeboque.”–VERGIL. Dear Goddess of Corn whom the ancients, we know,(Among other odd whims of those comical bodies,)Adorned with somniferous poppies to showThou wert always a true Country-gentleman’s Goddess. Behold in his best shooting-jacket before theeAn eloquent ‘Squire, who most humbly beseeches.Great Queen of Mark-lane (if the thing doesn’t bore […]

“animas sapientiores fieri quiescendo.” And now-cross-buns and pancakes o’er–Hail, Lords and Gentlemen, once more!Thrice hail and welcome, Houses Twain!The short eclipse of April-DayHaving (God grant it!) past away,Collective Wisdom, shine again! Come, Ayes and Noes, thro’ thick and thin,–With Paddy Holmes for whipper-in,–Whate’er the job, prepared to back it;Come, voters of Supplies–bestowersOf jackets upon trumpet-blowers,At […]

PROEM. Novella, a young Bolognese,The daughter of a learned Law Doctor,[1]Who had with all the subtletiesOf old and modern jurists stockt her,Was so exceeding fair, ’tis said,And over hearts held such dominion,That when her father, sick in bed,Or busy, sent her, in his stead,To lecture on the Code Justinian,She had a curtain drawn before her,Lest, […]

PROEM. Tho’ soldiers are the true supports,The natural allies of Courts,Woe to the Monarch, who dependsToo much on his red-coated friends;For even soldiers sometimes think—Nay, Colonels have been known to reason,– And reasoners, whether clad in pinkOr red or blue, are on the brink(Nine cases out of ten) of treason Not many soldiers, I believe, […]

The money raised–the army ready–Drums beating, and the Royal NeddyValiantly braying in the van,To the old tune ““Eh, eh, Sire Ane!”[1]–Naught wanting, but some coup dramatic,To make French sentiment explode,Bring in, at once, the gout fanatic,And make the war “la derniere mode”—Instantly, at the Pavillon Marsan,Is held an Ultra consultation–What’s to be done, to help […]

“o ego non felix, quam tu fugis, ut pavet acresagna lupos, capreaeque leones.”–HOR. Said a Sovereign to a Note,In the pocket of his coat,Where they met in a neat purse of leather,“How happens it, I prithee,“That, tho’ I’m wedded with thee,“Fair Pound, we can never live together? “Like your sex, fond of change“With Silver you […]

PROEM. Where Kings have been by mob-electionsRaised to the throne, ’tis strange to seeWhat different and what odd perfectionsMen have required in Royalty.Some, liking monarchs large and plumpy,Have chosen their Sovereigns by the weight;–Some wisht them tall, some thought your Dumpy,Dutch-built, the true Legitimate.[1]The Easterns in a Prince, ’tis said,Prefer what’s called a jolterhead:[2]The Egyptians […]

I saw it all in Fancy’s glass–Herself, the fair, the wild magician,Who bade this splendid day-dream pass,And named each gliding apparition. ‘Twas like a torch-race–such as theyOf Greece performed, in ages gone,When the fleet youths, in long array,Past the bright torch triumphant on. I saw the expectant nations stand,To catch the coming flame in turn;–I […]

PROEM. Of all that, to the sage’s survey,This world presents of topsy-turvy,There’s naught so much disturbs one’s patience,As little minds in lofty stations.‘Tis like that sort of painful wonder.Which slender columns, laboring underEnormous arches, give beholders;–Or those poor Caryatides,Condemned to smile and stand at ease,With a whole house upon their shoulders. If as in some […]

PROEM “The moment any religion becomes national, or established, its purity must certainly be lost, because it is then impossible to keep it unconnected with men’s interests; and, if connected, it must inevitably be perverted by them.”–SOAME JENYNS Thus did SOAME JENYNS–tho’ a Tory,A Lord of Trade and the Plantations;Feel how Religion’s simple gloryIs stained […]

In the dirge we sung o’er him no censure was heard,Unembittered and free did the tear-drop descend;We forgot, in that hour, how the statesman had erred,And wept for the husband, the father and friend. Oh! proud was the meed his integrity won,And generous indeed were the tears that we shed,When in grief we forgot all […]

Sir,–In order to explain the following Fragment, it is necessary to refer your readers to a late florid description of the Pavilion at Brighton, in the apartments of which, we are told, “FUM, The Chinese Bird of Royalty,” is a principal ornament. I am, Sir, yours, etc. MUM. FUM AND HUM, THE TWO BIRDS OF […]

principibus placuisse viris!–HORAT. Yes, grief will have way–but the fast falling tearShall be mingled with deep execrations on thoseWho could bask in that Spirit’s meridian career.And yet leave it thus lonely and dark at its close:– Whose vanity flew round him, only while fedBy the odor his fame in its summer-time gave;–Whose vanity now, with […]

Epistle from Tom Crib to Big Ben.[1] CONCERNING SOME FOUL PLAY IN A LATE TRANSACTION.[2] “Ahi, mio Ben!”–METASTASIO.[3] What! BEN, my old hero, is this your renown?Is this the new go?–kick a man when he’s down!When the foe has knockt under, to tread on him then–By the fist of my father, I blush for thee, […]

A DREAM. I’ve had a dream that bodes no goodUnto the Holy Brotherhood.I may be wrong, but I confess–As far as it is right or lawfulFor one, no conjurer, to guess–It seems to me extremely awful. Methought, upon the Neva’s floodA beautiful Ice Palace stood,A dome of frost-work, on the planOf that once built by […]

IN AN EPISTLE FROM THOMAS MOORE TO SAMUEL ROGERS. What, thou, my friend! a man of rhymes,And, better still, a man of guineas,To talk of “patrons,” in these times,When authors thrive like spinning-jennies,And Arkwright’s twist and Bulwer’s pageAlike may laugh at patronage! No, no–those times are past away,When, doomed in upper floors to star it.The […]

BY LORD STANLEY. (HIS FIRST ATTEMPT IN VERSE.) “Evil, be thou my good.”–MILTON. How various are the inspirationsOf different men in different nations!As genius prompts to good or evil,Some call the Muse, some raise the devil.Old Socrates, that pink of sages,Kept a pet demon on board wagesTo go about with him incog.,And sometimes give his […]

Dear Lyndhurst,–you’ll pardon my making thus free,–But form is all fudge ‘twixt such “comrogues” as we,Who, whate’er the smooth views we, in public, may drive at,Have both the same praiseworthy object, in private–Namely, never to let the old regions of riot,Where Rock hath long reigned, have one instant of quiet,But keep Ireland still in that […]

LETTER FROM THE CAPTAIN TO TERRY ALT, ESQ.[1] Here I am, at headquarters, dear Terry, once more,Deep in Tory designs, as I’ve oft been before:For, bless them! if ’twasn’t for this wrong-headed crew,You and I, Terry Alt, would scarce know what to do;So ready they’re always, when dull we are growing,To set our old concert […]

A POOR POET’S DREAM.[1] As I sate in my study, lone and still,Thinking of Sergeant Talfourd’s Bill,And the speech by Lawyer Sugden made,In spirit congenial, for “the Trade,”Sudden I sunk to sleep and lo!Upon Fancy’s reinless nightmare flitting,I found myself, in a second or so,At the table of Messrs. Type and Co.With a goodly group […]

Church Extension

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

TO THE EDITOR OF THE MORNING CHRONICLE. Sir–A well-known classical traveller, while employed in exploring, some time since, the supposed site of the Temple of Diana of Ephesus, was so fortunate, in the course of his researches, as to light upon a very ancient bark manuscript, which has turned out, on examination, to be part […]

As news from Olympus has grown rather rare,Since bards, in their cruises, have ceased to touch there,We extract for our readers the intelligence given,In our latest accounts from that ci-devant Heaven–That realm of the By-gones, where still sit in stateOld god-heads and nod-heads now long out of date. Jove himself, it appears, since his love-days […]

Our earth, as it rolls thro’ the regions of space,Wears always two faces, the dark and the sunny;And poor human life runs the same sort of race,Being sad on one side–on the other side, funny. Thus oft we, at eve, to the Haymarket hie,To weep o’er the woes of Macready;–but scarceHath the tear-drop of Tragedy […]

With all humility we begTo inform the public, that Tom Tegg–Known for his spunky speculationsIn buying up dead reputations,And by a mode of galvanizingWhich, all must own, is quite surprising,Making dead authors move again,As tho’ they still were living men;–All this too managed, in a trice,By those two magic words, “Half Price,”Which brings the charm […]

“Sir Robert Peel believed it was necessary to originate allrespecting religion and trade in a Committee of the House.”—Church Extension, May 22, 1830. Say, who was the wag, indecorously witty,Who first in a statute this libel conveyed;And thus slyly referred to the selfsame committee,As matters congenial, Religion and Trade? Oh surely, my Phillpotts, ’twas thou […]

Musings

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

SUGGESTED BY THE LATE PROMOTION OF MRS. NETHERCOAT. “The widow of Nethercoat is appointed jailer of Loughrea, in the room of her deceased husband.”–Limerick Chronicle. Whether as queens or subjects, in these days,Women seem formed to grace alike each station:–As Captain Flaherty gallantly says,“You ladies, are the lords of the creation!” Thus o’er my mind […]

Intended Tribute

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

TO THE AUTHOR OF AN ARTICLE IN THE LAST NUMBER OF The Quarterly Review,ENTITLED “ROMANISM IN IRELAND.” It glads us much to be able to say,That a meeting is fixt for some early day,Of all such dowagers–he or she—(No matter the sex, so they dowagers be,)Whose opinions concerning Church and StateFrom about the time of […]

Among other stray flashmen disposed of, this week,Was a youngster named Stanley, genteelly connected,Who has lately been passing off coins as antique,Which have proved to be sham ones, tho’ long unsuspected. The ancients, our readers need hardly be told,Had a coin they called “Talents,” for wholesale demands;And ’twas some of said coinage this youth was […]

Reflections

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

ADDRESSED TO THE AUTHOR OF THE ARTICLE OF THE CHURCH IN THE LAST NUMBER OFThe Quarterly Review. I’m quite of your mind;–tho’ these Pats cry aloudThat they’ve got “too much Church,” ’tis all nonsense and stuff;For Church is like Love, of which Figaro vowedThat even too much of it’s not quite enough. Ay! dose them […]

Come, step in, gentlefolks, here ye may viewAn exact and natural representation(Like Siburn’s Model of Waterloo[1])Of the Lords and Commons of this here nation. There they are–all cut out in cork–The “Collective Wisdom” wondrous to see;My eyes! when all them heads are at work,What a vastly weighty consarn it must be. As for the “wisdom,”–that […]

FOR THE PROMOTION OF THE SPEED OF LITERATURE. Loud complaints being made in these quick-reading times,Of too slack a supply both of prose works and rhymes,A new Company, formed on the keep-moving plan,First proposed by the great firm of Catch-’em-who-can,Beg to say they’ve now ready, in full wind and speed,Some fast-going authors, of quite a […]

From tongue to tongue the rumor flew;All askt, aghast, “Is’t true? is’t true?”But none knew whether ’twas fact or fable:And still the unholy rumor ran,From Tory woman to Tory man,Tho’ none to come at the truth was able–Till, lo! at last, the fact came out,The horrible fact, beyond all doubt,That Dan had dined at the […]

No. 1. LEAVE ME ALONE. A PASTORAL BALLAD. “We are ever standing on the defensive. All that we say to them is, ‘leave us alone.’ The Established Church is part and parcel of the constitution of this country. You are bound to conform to this constitution. We ask of you nothing more:–let us alone.” –Letter […]

Dear John, as I know, like our brother of London,You’ve sipt of all knowledge, both sacred and mundane,No doubt, in some ancient Joe Miller, you’ve readWhat Cato, that cunning old Roman, once said–That he ne’er saw two reverend sooth-say ers meet,Let it be where it might, in the shrine or the street,Without wondering the rogues, […]

Song Of Old Puck

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

“And those things do best please me,That befall preposterously.”PUCK Junior, Midsummer Night’s Dream. Who wants old Puck? for here am I,A mongrel imp, ‘twixt earth and sky,Ready alike to crawl or fly;Now in the mud, now in the air,And, so ’tis for mischief, reckless where. As to my knowledge, there’s no end to’t,For, where I […]

“And drink oblivion to our woes.”Anna Matilda. 1829. Talk no more of your Cheltenham and Harrowgate springs,‘Tis from Lethe we now our potations must draw;Yon Lethe‘s a cure for–all possible things,And the doctors have named it the Wellington Spa. Other physical waters but cure you in part;One cobbles your gout–t’other mends your digestion–Some settle your […]

A Characterless

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

1834. Half Whig, half Tory, like those mid-way things,‘Twixt bird and beast, that by mistake have wings;A mongrel Stateman, ‘twixt two factions nurst,Who, of the faults of each, combines the worst–The Tory’s loftiness, the Whigling’s sneer,The leveller’s rashness, and the bigot’s fear:The thirst for meddling, restless still to showHow Freedom’s clock, repaired by Whigs, will […]

A Ghost Story

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

To THE AIR OF “UNFORTUNATE MISS BAILEY.” 1835. Not long in bed had Lyndhurst lain,When, as his lamp burned dimly,The ghosts of corporate bodies slain,[1]Stood by his bedside grimly.Dead aldermen who once could feast,But now, themselves, are fed on,And skeletons of mayors deceased,This doleful chorus led on:–Oh Lord Lyndhurst,“Unmerciful Lord Lyndhurst,“Corpses we,“All burkt by thee,“Unmerciful […]

Thoughts On the Late Destructive Propositions of the Tories.[1]BY A COMMON-COUNCILMAN 1835. I sat me down in my easy chair,To read, as usual, the morning papers;But–who shall describe my look of despair,When I came to Lefroy’s “destructive” capers!That he–that, of all live men, LefroyShould join in the cry “Destroy, destroy!”Who, even when a babe, as […]

After some observations from Dr. M’GrigOn that fossil reliquium called Petrified Wig,Or Perruquolithus–a specimen rareOf those wigs made for antediluvian wear,Which, it seems, stood the Flood without turning a hair–Mr. Tomkins rose up, and requested attentionTo facts no less wondrous which he had to mention. Some large fossil creatures had lately been found,Of a species […]

Arrah, where were you, Murthagh, that beautiful day?–Or how came it your riverence was laid on the shelf,When that poor craythur, Bobby–as you were away–Had to make twice as big a Tomfool of himself. Troth, it wasn’t at all civil to lave in the lurchA boy so deserving your tindhr’est affection:–Too such iligant Siamase twins […]

Of all the odd plans of this monstrously queer age,The oddest is that of reforming the peerage;–Just as if we, great dons, with a title and star,Did not get on exceedingly well as we are,And perform all the functions of noodles by birthAs completely as any born noodles on earth. How acres descend, is in […]

Oh, have you heard what hapt of late?If not, come lend an ear,While sad I state the piteous fateOf the Reverend Pamphleteer. All praised his skilful jockeyship,Loud rung the Tory cheer,While away, away, with spur and whip,Went the Reverend Pamphleteer. The nag he rode–how could it err?‘Twas the same that took, last year,That wonderful jump […]

Recent Dialogue

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

1825. A Bishop and a bold dragoon,Both heroes in their way,Did thus, of late, one afternoon,Unto each other say:–“Dear bishop,” quoth the brave huzzar,“As nobody denies“That you a wise logician are,“And I am–otherwise,“‘Tis fit that in this question, we“Stick each to his own art–“That yours should be the sophistry,“And mine the fighting part.“My creed, I […]

Animal Magnetism

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

Tho’ famed was Mesmer, in his day,Nor less so, in ours, is Dupotet,To say nothing of all the wonders doneBy that wizard, Dr. Elliotson,When, standing as if the gods to invoke, heUp waves his arm, and–down drops Okey![1]Tho’ strange these things, to mind and sense,If you wish still stranger things to see–If you wish to […]

Let History boast of her Romans and Spartans,And tell how they stood against tyranny’s shock;They were all, I confess, in my eye, Betty MartinsCompared to George Grote and his wonderful Box. Ask, where Liberty now has her seat?–Oh, it isn’tBy Delaware’s banks or on Switzerland’s rocks;–Like an imp in some conjuror’s bottle imprisoned,She’s slyly shut […]

ADDRESSED TO ROBERT SOUTHEY, ESQ. When erst, my Southey, thy tuneful tongueThe terrible tale of Thalaba sung–Of him, the Destroyer, doomed to routThat grim divan of conjurors out,Whose dwelling dark, as legends say,Beneath the roots of the ocean lay,(Fit place for deep ones, such as they,)How little thou knewest, dear Dr. Southey,Altho’ bright genius all […]

Rival Topics

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

Rival Topics.[1]AN EXTRAVAGANZA. Oh Wellington and Stephenson,Oh morn and evening papers,Times, Herald, Courier, Globe, and Sun,When will ye cease our ears to stunWith these two heroes’ capers?Still “Stephenson” and “Wellington,”The everlasting two!–Still doomed, from rise to set of sun,To hear what mischief one has done,And t’other means to do:–What bills the banker past to friends,But […]

The Boy Statesman

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

BY A TORY. “That boy will be the death of me.”Matthews at Home. Ah, Tories dear, our ruin is near,With Stanley to help us, we can’t but fall;Already a warning voice I hear,Like the late Charles Matthews’ croak in my ear,“That boy–that boy’ll be the death of you all.” He will, God help us!–not even […]

Southampton. As ’tis now, my dear Tully, some weeks since I startedBy railroad for earth, having vowed ere we partedTo drop you a line by the Dead-Letter post,Just to say how I thrive in my new line of ghost,And how deucedly odd this live world all appears,To a man who’s been dead now for three […]

Lines On The Departure Of Lord Castlereagh And Stewart For The Continent.[1] at Paris[2] et Fratres, et qui rapure sub illis.vix tenuere manus (scis hoc, Menelae) nefandas.OVID. Metam. lib. xiii. v. 202. Go, Brothers in wisdom–go, bright pair of Peers,And my Cupid and Fame fan you both with their pinions!The one, the best lover we […]

Imitated from Horace, lib. i, ode 3. So may my Lady’s prayers prevail,And Canning’s too, and lucid Bragge’s,And Eldon beg a favoring galeFrom Eolus, that older Bags,To speed thee on thy destined way,Oh ship, that bearest our Castlereagh,Our gracious Regent’s better halfAnd therefore quarter of a King–(As Van or any other calfMay find without much […]

“And now,” quoth the goddess, in accents jocose,“Having got good materials, I’ll brew such a dose“Of Double X mischief as, mortals shall say,“They’ve not known its equal for many a long day.”Here she winkt to her subaltern imps to be steady,And all wagged their fire-tipt tails and stood ready. “So, now for the ingredients:–first, hand […]

Founded Upon Some Late Calculations. 1833. Fine figures of speech let your orators follow,Old Cocker has figures that beat them all hollow.Tho’ famed for his rules Aristotle may be,In but half of this Sage any merit I see,For, as honest Joe Hume says, the “tottle” for me! For instance, while others discuss and debate,It is […]

1834. “We are persuaded that this our artificial man will not only walk and speak and perform most of the outward functions of animal life, but (being wound up once a week) will perhaps reason as well as most of your country parsons.”–“Memoirs of Martinus Scriblerus,” chap. xii. It being an object now to meetWith […]

ACCORDING TO THE NEWEST RECEIPT AS DISCLOSED IN A LATE HERALDIC WORK,[1] 1834. Choose some title that’s dormant–the Peerage hath many–Lord Baron of Shamdos sounds nobly as any.Next, catch a dead cousin of said defunct Peer,And marry him, off hand, in some given year,To the daughter of somebody,–no matter who,–Fig, the grocer himself, if you’re […]

Air.–“A master I have, and I am his man,Galloping dreary dun.”“Castle of Andalusia.” The Duke is the lad to frighten a lass.Galloping, dreary duke;The Duke is the lad to frighten a lass,He’s an ogre to meet, and the devil to pass,With his charger prancing,Grim eye glancing,Chin, like a Mufti,Grizzled and tufty,Galloping, dreary Duke. Ye misses, […]

Scene from a Play, Acted At Oxford, Called “matriculation.”[1] [Boy discovered at a table, with the Thirty-Nine Articles before him.–Enter the Rt. Rev. Doctor Phillpots.] Doctor P.–There, my lad, lie theArticles–(Boy begins to count them) just thirty nine–No occasion to count–you’ve now only to sign.At Cambridge where folks are less High-church than we,The whole Nine-and-Thirty […]

Late Tithe Case

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

“sic vos non vobis.”1833. “The Vicar of Birmingham desires me to state that, in consequence of the passing of a recent Act of Parliament, he is compelled to adopt measures which may by some be considered harsh or precipitate; but, in duty to what he owes to his successors, he feels bound to preserve the […]

Fools’ Paradise

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

DREAM THE FIRST. I have been, like Puck, I have been, in a trice,To a realm they call Fool’s Paradise,Lying N.N.E. of the Land of Sense,And seldom blest with a glimmer thence.But they wanted not in this happy place,Where a light of its own gilds every face;Or if some wear a shadowy brow,‘Tis the wish […]

“I trust we shall part as we met, in peace and charity. My last payment to you paid your salary up to the 1st of this month. Since that, I owe you for one month, which, being a long month, of thirty-one days, amounts, as near as I can calculate, to six pounds eight shillings. […]

1833. About fifty years since, in the days of our daddies,That plan was commenced which the wise now applaud,Of shipping off Ireland’s most turbulent Paddies,As good raw material for settlers, abroad.Some West-India island, whose name I forget,Was the region then chosen for this scheme so romantic;And such the success the first colony met,That a second, […]

1833. Sweet singer of Romaldkirk, thou who art reckoned,By critics Episcopal, David the Second,[1]If thus, as a Curate, so lofty your flight,Only think, in a Rectory, how you would write!Once fairly inspired by the “Tithe-crowned Apollo,”(Who beats, I confess it, our lay Phoebus hollow,Having gotten, besides the old Nine’s inspiration,The Tenth of all eatable things […]

Le Leggi della Maschera richiedono che una persona mascherata non sia salutata per nome da uno che la conosce malgrado il suo travestimento. CASTIGLIONE. PREFACE. In what manner the following Epistles came into my hands, it is not necessary for the public to know. It will be seen by Mr. FUDGE’S Second Letter, that he […]

BEING A SEQUEL TO THE “FUDGE FAMILY IN PARIS.” PREFACE. The name of the country town, in England–a well-known fashionable watering-place–in which the events that gave rise to the following correspondence occurred, is, for obvious reasons, suppressed. The interest attached, however, to the facts and personages of the story, renders it independent of all time […]

“This much I dare say, that, since lording and loitering hath come up, preaching hath come down, contrary to the Apostles’ times. For they preached and lorded not; and now they lord and preach not…. Ever since the Prelates were made Lords and Nobles, the plough standeth; there is no work done, people starve.” —Latimer, […]

(VIDE DESCRIPTION OF A LATE FETE.)[1] 1832. What a pleasing contrivance! how aptly devised‘Twixt tar and magnolias to puzzle one’s noses!And how the tar-barrels must all be surprisedTo find themselves seated like “Love among roses!” What a pity we can’t, by precautions like these,Clear the air of that other still viler infection;That radical pest, that […]

The Consultation

Story type: Poetry

Read this story.

the Consultation.[1] “When they do agree, their unanimity is wonderful. The Critic. 1833. Scene discovers Dr. Whig and Dr. Tory in consultation. Patient on the floor between them. Dr. Whig.–This wild Irish patient does pester me so.That what to do with him, I’m curst if I know.I’ve promist him anodynes– Dr. Tory. Anodynes!–Stuff.Tie him down–gag […]