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119 Works of George Ade

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Once a grammar-school Rabbit, struggling from long Trousers toward his first brier-wood Pipe, had Growing Pains which he diagnosed as the pangs of True Love. The Target was a dry-seasoned Fannie old enough to be his Godmother. She was a Post-Graduate who was keeping herself on Earth by running to the Drug-Store every few minutes. […]

Once there was a Gentleman of the deepest dye who was all out of Kelter. He felt like a list of Symptoms on the outside of a Dollar Bottle. He looked like the Picture you see in the Almanac entitled, “Before Taking.” When his Liver was at Perihelion, he had a Complexion suggesting an Alligator […]

One Monday Morning a rangy and well-conditioned Elfin of the Young Unmarried Set, yclept Loretta, emerged into the Sunlight and hit the Concrete Path with a ringing Heel. This uncrowned Empress of the 18th Ward was a she-Progressive assaying 98 per cent. pure Ginger. Instead of trailing the ever onward Parade, she juggled the Baton […]

Ambition came, with Sterling Silver Breast-Plate and Flaming Sword, and sat beside a Tad aged 5. The wee Hopeful lived in a Frame House with Box Pillars in front and Hollyhocks leading down toward the Pike. “Whither shall I guide you?” asked Ambition. “Are you far enough from the Shell to have any definite Hankering?” […]

The Telltale Tintype

Story type: Literature

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Once there was a worried Parent whose only Son could not quite make up his Mind whether to join a High School Frat or go on the Stage. He was at the long-legged Age and walked Loose and stepped on his own Feet, and whenever he walked briskly across the Floor to ask some Tessie […]

Once there was a Girl with a gleaming New Hampshire Forehead who used to exchange helpful Books with a studious young Man who had an Intellect of high Voltage. It will not be necessary to name these Gazooks, as you never heard of them. Laura and Edgar were Comrades, in a way. They met under […]

Books Made To Balance

Story type: Literature

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Once there was a Husky employed to crack the Whip around a smoky Works that did not offer an attractive Vista from the Car Window, although it blossomed with a fragrant crop of Dividends every time the Directors got together in the Back Room. Most of the American Workingmen employed in this Hive of Industry […]

One day a Married Woman who was entitled to a long row of Service Stripes on her Sleeve, sat in the Motor, and watched the remainder of the Sketch try out his new trick Monoplane. He scooted away with the Buzzer working overtime and soon was cloud- hopping about a Mile overhead. When he began […]

One morning a great Judge, who had been promoted to the Bench because he could not connect as a Lawyer, climbed up on his Perch and directed the Lord High Sheriff to feed him a few Defendants. “We have rounded up a tough bunch of Ginks,” said the Attorney for the Commonwealth. “I shall ask […]

Once there was a Hireling at the tail-end of a Pay Roll who longed to get a Chunk of Money so that he could own a House and pick out his own Wall-Paper. He read an Ad in a Religious Weekly. It said to Hurry and get a Slice of the Bullkon Mining Company because […]

How Albert Sat In

Story type: Literature

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Once upon a Time there was a Bright Young Lawyer of ordinary Good Looks and Modest Bank Account who regarded the so-called Smart Set with scorching Contempt. Our Hero, whose name was Albert, refused to fall for the Parlor Game. Now there resided in this Town a certain High Priestess of the Socially Elect and […]

The Collision

Story type: Literature

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Once in the dim dead Days beyond Recall, there lived a blue-eyed Gazook named Steve. We refer to the Period preceding the Uplift, when the Candidate wearing the largest collar was the People’s Choice for Alderman. A Good Citizen wishing to open a Murder Parlor needed a couple of Black Bottles, a Barrel of Sawdust […]

The Dancing Man

Story type: Literature

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Once there was a Porch Rat, who was also a Parlor Snake and a Hammock Hellion. He worked the popular Free Lunch Routes for thirty years before deciding to hook up and begin paying for his own Food and Drink. When he started flitting from Bud to Debutante to Ingenue to Fawn to Broiler to […]

One Morning a Precinct Parasite owing Allegiance to a Political Party of Progressive Principles went around to the dinge office of a Fuel Supply Co. to pull off the customary Fake Primary. He was met at the Door by a broad-faced Lady of benevolent Mien and black Ribbons on her Nose-Glasses, who told him to […]

All those who had Done Time at a certain endowed Institution for shaping and polishing Highbrows had to close in once a Year for a Banquet. They called it a Banquet because it would have been a Joke to call it a Dinner. The Invitations looked like real Type-Writing and called upon all the Loyal […]

The Boy Who Was Told

Story type: Literature

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Once there was a Boy who had been told twice a Day ever since he could remember that if he started to go into one of those Doggeries with swinging Doors in front and Mirrors along the Side, a Blue Flame would shoot out and burn him to a Cinder. Also he had been warned […]

Once there was a side street Quartet consisting of Papa and Mamma and Gordon and Ethel. The ostensible Stroke Oar of this Domestic Combination was a Graduate of one of those Towns in which the Occidental Hotel faces the Depot and all Trains are met by a Popular Drayman wearing a Black Sweater. When he […]

One pleasant morning the President of the Society for Promoting the Importation of Scotch Merchandise awoke after a Balloon Voyage which began 6 Feet below Sea Level in a Rathskeller and finished 2,000 feet above the Altitude recorded by Lincoln Beachey, the Man-Bird. When he Came To he discovered that the Pillow had climbed over […]

The Through Train

Story type: Literature

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Two High School Heliotropes named Lib and Angie were very Thick. Each Girl kept a Nightie at the Other Girl’s House and, long after they had retired, the Inmates would hear smothered Giggles, interspersed with Fragments of what He said to Her and what She said to Him. The Period of their Adolescence was about […]

In a sequestered Dump lived two Urchins, Edgar and Rufus, who went to the Post with about an equal Handicap. They got away together down the broad Avenue of Hope which leads one Lad over the hills and far away to the United States Senate Chamber and guides another unerringly to the Federal Pen near […]

The Galumptious Girl

Story type: Literature

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Once there was a kittenish Senorita condemned to dwell in a Piccolo Town out on a Spur Division of the Dinkusville Short Line. It was one of those not-dead-but-sleeping Settlements with a Sheet-Iron Cornice on every Store Building and the Hack in which Gen. Sherman once rode still meeting the Trains. All the older Residents […]

The Local Pierpont

Story type: Literature

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One day a regularly appointed Bank Inspector went into a Stronghold of Finance situated in a One-Night Stand and found the President of the Institution crying all over the Blotter. “Why these tears?” asked the Official. “Are the Farmers paying off their Mortgages?” “Worse than that,” replied the Elderly Man, whose Side Whiskers were a […]

Once there was an undivorced Couple that would get up every G. M. and put on the five-ounce Mitts and wait for the Sound of the Gong. Each was working for the Championship of the Flat and proved to be a Glutton for Punishment. Every time he landed a crushing Hay-Maker on her Family History […]

Once there was a Kid who wore a Uniform that fit him too Soon and a Cap on one Ear. His Job was to answer the Buzzer and take Orders from any one who could show 25 Cents. In the Morning he might be acting as Pack-Pony for some Old Lady on a Shopping Spree […]

Two Philanthropic Sons

Story type: Literature

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Two Boys sallied forth from a straggling Village in search of an irrational Female known as Dame Fortune. It was a sad Jolt to the Walking Vegetables back in the Stockade when they heard, on Good Authority, that Ezra and Bill were slamming it over the Plate and batting above .400. They simply wagged the […]

The Divine Spark

Story type: Literature

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One Evening at a Converted Rink known as the Grand Opera House, a flock of intrepid Amateurs put on a War Drama. Lila, principal Child of the Egg and Poultry King, played a Daughter of the Southland, with her Hair shaken out and Lamp Black on her Eye-Winkers, so as to look like Maxine. All […]

On the deck of a Trans-Atlantic Skiff, a certain Old Traveler, who owed allegiance to George and Mary, reclined on his Cervical Vertebrae with a Plaid Shawl across him and roasted Our Native Land. He told the American in the next Steamer Chair that he had been unable to get his Tea at the usual […]

The Progressive Maniac

Story type: Literature

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Once there was a staid and well-behaving Citizen who took home a dab of Steak, wrapped up in Brown Paper, nearly every Evening, and found his Excitement by working on the Puzzle Column in the Church Paper. In order to run out to his Farm and save the Expense of keeping a Gee- Gee, he […]

The Galloping Pilgrim

Story type: Literature

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A certain affluent Bachelor happened to be the only Grandson of a rugged Early Settler who wore a Coon-Skip Cap and drank Corn Juice out of a Jug. Away back in the Days when every Poor Man had Bacon in the Smoke House, this Pioneer had been soaked in a Trade and found himself loaded […]

Once upon a Time a Rugged Character from the Middle West was in New York City fixing up a Deal. Although he wore overlapping Cuffs and a ready-made Tie, he had a Rating, so a certain Promoter with an Office in Broad Street found it advisable to make a Fuss over him. The Promoter invited […]

The Undecided Bachelors

Story type: Literature

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Once upon a Time two Mavericks lived together in a Cubby-Hole in a European Hotel in a surging Metropolis. They worked for a grinding Corporation, each pulling down a Stipend that enabled him to indulge in Musical Comedies, Rotation Pool, Turkish Cigarettes, Link Buttons and other Necessities of Life. Often they would put their Feet […]

Once upon a Time there was a Work-Horse who used to lie awake Nights framing up Schemes to Corral more Collateral to leave to the Olive Branches. They may have looked like Jimpson Weeds to the rest of the World but to Pa and Ma they were A-1 Olive Branches. Pa was a self made […]

The Common Carrier

Story type: Literature

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Once there was a little E-Flat Town that needed a Direct Communication with a Trunk Line. A Promoter wearing Sunday Clothes and smoking 40-cent Cigars came out from the City to see about it. The Daily Paper put him on the Front Page. Five Dollars was the Set- Back for each Plate at the Banquet […]

Once there was a prosperous Manufacturer who had made his Stake by handling an every-day Commodity at a small Margin of Profit. One Morning the Representative of a large Concern dealing in guaranteed Securities came in to sell him some gilt-edged Municipal Bonds that would net a shade under 5 per cent. “I’ll have to […]

The Flat-Dweller

Story type: Literature

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Once there was a tired Denizen of the Big Town whose home was at the end of a Hallway in a Rabbit Warren known as the Minnehaha. It was not a Tenement, because he had to pay $30 a Month for a compressed Suite overlooking 640 acres of Gravel Roof. Sitting back in his Morris […]

The Roystering Blades

Story type: Literature

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Out in the Celery Belt of the Hinterland there is a stunted Flag-Station. Number Six, carrying one Day Coach and a Combination Baggage and Stock Car, would pause long enough to unload a Bucket of Oysters and take on a Crate of Eggs. In this Settlement the Leading Citizens still wear Gum Arctics with large […]

A man and Wife had three Sons. The first, named Abraham Lincoln Tibbetts, was born in 1862. His name was promptly abbreviated to Link. The second, who arrived in 1872, was christened Ulysses Simpson Grant Tibbetts. This was too long, so people called him Chub. The third was of the Vintage of 1882 and his […]

A man who had three weeks of Vacation coming to him began to get busy with an Atlas about April 1st. He and his Wife figured that by keeping on the Jump they could do Niagara, Thousand Islands, Atlantic City, The Mammoth Cave and cover the Great Lakes. On April 10th they decided to charter […]

Once upon a Time there was a long-headed Girl who used to sit in her own Room on Rainy Afternoons and evolve Theories. Her principal Ambition in Life was to stand Ace High with all the Nice Men of her Set. She hoped in the course of Time to tease one away from the Drove […]

In Wayback Township, along in the Thirties, there arrived a 12-pounder. When he was three days old he was exhibited to a Bunch in the Front Room by an Old Lady who had made a Study of Colic. She was a Baby Expert who always broke in to do considerable heavy standing around and calling […]

Once there was a plain, unvarnished Yank who made his Pile in a Scrub Town situated midday between the Oats Belt and the Tall Timber. He was a large and sandy Mortal with a steel-trap Jaw and a cold glittering Eye. He made his first Stack a Dollar at a Time on straight Deals, but […]

Once there was a moving Target who was strong on the Brotherhood of Man. He ran a little Sunshine Factory all of his own. When it came to scattering Seeds of Kindness, the Farm Drill was a Poor Second. Every time he started down Town he would have to zigzag so as to cover both […]

Once there was a Happy Pair, each of whom got stuck on the Photograph of the other and thereupon a Marriage was arranged by Mail. Shortly after taking the Life Risk, they started in to get acquainted. Up to the time that they moved into the Arcadian Flats and began to take Orders from the […]

Once there was a lovely Two-Stepper who went to a Swell Hop and there met a Corkerina who had come to visit a School Friend. He gavotted a few Lines with the Lily. They found it very easy to catch Step together and he did an expert Job of Piloting during the Waltz so as […]

An old Residenter, who owned a Section of Improved Land, and some Town Property besides, was getting too Feeble to go out and roast the Hired Hands, so he turned the Job over to his Son. This Son was named Joel. He was foolish, the same as a Fox. Any one who got ahead of […]

A team of Proud Parents had a son named James Henry Guff. On the Day of his Birth the Wind changed and blew in another Direction, Apples fell off the Trees, Chickens went to Roost at Mid-Day. All Nature seemed to have been given a Jolt by the Portentous Event. For James Henry Guff was […]

Once there was a Wife who gave the Money-Getter a Vacation by going into the Country for a Month. Dearie took her to the Train, and all the way she kept saying that it did not seem just Right to romp away on a Pleasure Trip and leave him Shell-Roaded. He began to fear that […]

Once there was an Office Employee with a Copy-Book Education. He believed it was his Duty to learn to Labor and to Wait. He read Pamphlets and Magazine Articles on Success and how to make it a Cinch. He knew that if he made no Changes and never beefed for more Salary, but just buckled […]

Once there was a Husband who was stuck on Plain Living and Home Comforts. He would walk around an Angel Cake any old Time to get action on some Farm Sausage. He was not very strong for Romaine Salad or any Speckled Cheese left over from Year before last, but he did a very neat […]

Once there was a feverish Sure-Thinger who started for the Track with a Roll about the size of a Lady’s Pencil. He wanted to parlee a $2 Silver Certificate and bring home enough to pay the National Debt. When he stayed at home and marked the Card and made Mind Bets he could beat five […]

Once there was a well-meaning Soul who was handicapped by a true and lasting Friendship. Sometimes he suspected that if he could be left to himself he would struggle along from one Saturday Night to another and keep out of the Way of the Cars and possibly extract some Joy from this Life in his […]

Once there was a home-like Beanery where one could tell the Day of the Week by what was on the Table. The Stroke Oar of this Food Bazaar had been in the Business for 20 years, and she had earned her Harp three times over. The Prune Joke never touched her, and she had herself […]

Once there was a Married Man who had two Friends whom he had not given up, even to oblige the Missus. They were two Men whom he had known since Boyhood’s Happy Days away back in Sleepy Hollow. Once in a while the Man would have the Two around to the House for Dinner. Of […]

One Day a pure white Soul that made Sonnets by hand was sitting in his Apartment embroidering a Canto. He had all the Curtains drawn and was sitting beside a Shaded Candle waiting for the Muse to keep her Appointment. He wore an Azure Dressing-Gown. Occasionally he wept, drying his Eyes on a Salmon Pink […]

One Morning an energetic little Man who had about a Ton of Work piled up on his Desk came down Town with a Hop, Skip and Jump determined to clean up the whole Lay-Out before Nightfall. He had taken eight hours of Slumber and a cold Dip in the Porcelain. After Breakfast he came out […]

Once there was a Family called Jump that had sampled every Ward within the Corporation Limits. The Jumps did a Caravan Specialty every time the Frost went out of the Ground. When the Sarsaparilla Ads began to blossom, and the Peach Crop had been ruined by the late Cold Snap and the Kids were batting […]

A Domestic Team had a Boy named Buchanan who refused to Work, so his Parents decided that he needed a College Education. After he got that, he could enter a Learned Profession, in which Work is a mere Side-Issue. The Father and Mother of Buchanan sent to the College for a Bunk Catalogue. The Come-On […]

Once there was a sawed-off Attorney who had studied until he was Bleary around the Eyes and as lean as a Razor-Back. He knew the Law from Soup to Nuts, but much learning had put him a little bit to the Willies. And his Size was against him. He lacked Bellows. He was an inconspicuous […]

Once there was a full-sized Girl named Florine whose Folks kept close Tab on her. Any night-blooming Harold who presumed to keep the Parlor open after Midnight heard low Voices in the Hallway and then a Rap on the Door. If Florine put on her Other Dress and went to a Hop then Mother would […]

In a Red School-House back in the Web-Foot District, it was the Custom to have a Debate every Friday Afternoon. The much-mooted Question as to which does the greater Damage, Fire or Water, had been carefully gone over by the Squabs. Also who was the heftier Proposition, Napoleon or Washington? But the original Stand-by was […]

One Evening a little Flock of Our Best People got together at the Home of a Lady who invariably was first over the Fence in the Mad Pursuit of Culture. She loved to fill her Front Rooms with Folks who wore 73/4 Hats and read Norwegian Novels that no one else ever heard anything about. […]

Once there was an Indian who had a Way of putting on all his Feathers and breaking out of the Reservation. For three Weeks at a Stretch he gave a Correct Imitation of the Shining Light who passes the Basket and superintends the Repairs on the Parsonage. He was entitled to a Mark of 100 […]

An Author was sitting at his Desk trying to pull himself together and grind out Any Old Thing that could be converted into Breakfast Food. It was his Off Day, however. His Brain felt as if some one had played a Mean Trick on him and substituted a Side-Order of Cauliflower. All he could do […]

Once upon a time there was a He-Gossip named Cyrenius Bizzy. Mr. Bizzy was Middle-Aged and had a Set of dark Chinchillas. He carried a Gold-Headed Cane on Sunday. His Job on this Earth was to put on a pair of Pneumatic Sneakers every Morning and go out and Investigate Other People’s Affairs. He called […]

A Young Man who had made a Sudden Winning, and was beginning to act as Shawl-Holder and Emergency Errand-Boy for the Society Queens, seemed to have a great deal of Trouble with his Memory. If he met Any One who had started with him a few Years before, and who used to Stake him to […]

Lutie was an Only Child. When Lutie was eighteen her Mother said they ought to do something with Lutie’s Voice. The Neighbors thought so, too. Some recommended killing the Nerve, while others allowed that it ought to be Pulled. But what Mamma meant was that Lutie ought to have it Cultivated by a Professor. She […]

One day the Main Works of a Wholesale House was Jacking Up the Private Secretary and getting ready to close his desk for the Day, when in blew a Country Customer. The Head of the Concern would have given Seven Dollars if he could have got out and caught the Elevated before the Country Customer […]

Once there was a Proper little Female who Fluttered and was interested in Movements. She was born the Year that Fremont ran against Buchanan. All she knew about Spooning was what she had Read in Ella Wheeler Wilcox. Time and again she said that if a Man ever attempted to Take Liberties with her, she […]

A Woman who had done nothing to Deserve it was the Wife of a Joiner. He was the K.G. of one Benevolent Order and the Worshipful High Guy of something else, and the Senior Warden of the Sons of Patoosh, and a lot more that she couldn’t keep track of. When he got on all […]

One Morning there came into the Dining Room of the Peerless Hotel at Welby’s Junction an English Tourist and the Advance Agent of the Mabel Mooney Repertoire Company. They took their Places at the Table underneath a Chromo representing a Pyramid of Idealized Fruit. The Table was covered with Sail Cloth, and in the Center […]

The Subject of this Fable started out in Life as a Town Cut-Up. He had a keen Appreciation of Fun, and was always playing Jokes. If he wanted a few Gum-Drops he would go into the Candy Store and get them, and then ask the Man if he was willing to take Stamps. If the […]

While standing in front of his Store, between two Dummies in Seersucker Suits, one of the Chosen People spotted a Good Thing that resembled a Three-Sheet of the Old Homestead. It was looking up at the Top Stories and bumping against Hydrants and Unsurpassed Coffee Bulletins. The flip Yahooda, with the City Education and Thirty […]

Once upon a Time there was a Lovely and Deserving Girl named Clara, who was getting so near Thirty that she didn’t want to Talk about it. Everybody had a Good Word for her. She traveled with the Thoroughbreds, and was always Among Those Present; so it was hard to understand why she hadn’t Married. […]

Two Travelers sat in a Sleeping Car that was fixed up with Plush and Curly-Cues until it resembled a Chambermaid’s Dream of Paradise. They were talking about the Man who sat across the Aisle. “I think he is an Englishman,” said the First Traveler. “Why do you think so?” queried his Companion. “Well, in the […]

The Owner of a Furnishing Store gave employment to a Boy with Dreamy Eyes, who took good care of his Nails and used Scented Soap and carried a Pocket Looking-Glass. It was his Delight to stand in the Doorway and watch the Girls all Color Up when they caught Sight of him. He was said […]

In a Progressive Little City claiming about twice the Population that the Census Enumerators could uncover, there was a Literary Club. It was one of these Clubs guaranteed to fix you out with Culture while you wait. Two or three Matrons, who were too Heavy for Light Amusements, but not old enough to remain at […]

One of the Most Promising Boys in a Graded School had a Burning Ambition to be a Congressman. He loved Politics and Oratory. When there was a Rally in Town he would carry a Torch and listen to the Spellbinder with his Mouth open. The Boy wanted to grow up and wear a Black String […]

In one of the States of the Sunny South there stood a war-time House that had six white Columns along the Veranda, and the Chimney ran up the outside of the Wall. This House was the Abode of a Colonel who had a silver-gray Goatee and the Manners of the Old School. All the First […]

Once there were two Married People who used “Lovey” and “Pet” when they were in Company, and as soon as they were at Home they Threw Things at each other. She used to watch him through a Hole in the Curtain to see if he Flirted with any Women as he walked up the Street, […]

The Prosperous Farmer lived in an Agricultural Section of the Middle West. He commanded the Respect of all his Neighbors. He owned a Section, and had a Raft of big Horses and white-faced Cows and Farm Machinery, and Money in the Bank besides. He still had the first Dollar he ever made, and it could […]

One Day a keen Business manager who thought nobody could Show him was sitting at his Desk. A Grass Widow floated in, and stood Smiling at him. She was a Blonde, and had a Gown that fit her as if she had been Packed into it by Hydraulic Pressure. She was just as Demure as […]

When Uncle Brewster had put on his Annual Collar and combed his Beard and was about to start to the Depot, his Wife, Aunt Mehely, looked at him through her Specs and shook her Head doubtfully. Then she spoke as follows: “You go slow there in the City. You know your Failin’s. You’re just full […]

Once there was a blue Dyspeptic, who attempted to Kill Time by reading Novels, until he discovered that all Books of Fiction were a Mockery. After a prolonged Experience he came to know that every Specimen of Light Reading belonged to one of the following Divisions: 1. The Book that Promises well until you reach […]

A very attractive Debutante knew two Young Men who called on her every Thursday Evening, and brought their Mandolins along. They were Conventional Young Men, of the Kind that you see wearing Spring Overcoats in the Clothing Advertisements. One was named Fred, and the other was Eustace. The Mothers of the Neighborhood often remarked, “What […]

At a Bazaar, the purpose of which was to Hold Up the Public for the Benefit of a Worthy Cause, there were many Schemes to induce Visitors to let go of their Assets. One of the most likely Grafts perpetrated by the astute Management was a Voting Contest to Determine who was the Most Beautiful […]

In a certain Athletic Club which rented two rooms over a Tin-Shop there was one Boy who could put it All Over the other Members. He knew how to Jab and Counter and Upper-Cut and Bore in with the Left and Play for the Wind. He had Lumps on his Arms and a good Pair […]

Once upon a Time there was a Brilliant but Unappreciated Chap who was such a Thorough Bohemian that Strangers usually mistook him for a Tramp. Would he brush his Clothes? Not he. When he wore a Collar he was Ashamed of himself. He had Pipe-Ashes on his Coat and Vest. He seldom Combed his Hair, […]

Once in a Country Town there was a Man with a Weak Back. He could put a Grindstone into a Farm Wagon if any one wanted to bet him the Segars, but every time he lifted an Ax, something caught him right in the Spine and he had to go into the House and lie […]

One Day a Caddy sat in the Long Grass near the Ninth Hole and wondered if he had a Soul. His Number was 27, and he almost had forgotten his Real Name. As he sat and Meditated, two Players passed him. They were going the Long Round, and the Frenzy was upon them. They followed […]

The Fool-Killer came along the Pike Road one Day and stopped to look at a Strange Sight. Inside of a Barricade were several Thousands of Men, Women and Children. They were moving restlessly among the trampled Weeds, which were clotted with Watermelon Rinds, Chicken Bones, Straw and torn Paper Bags. It was a very hot […]

Two Sisters lived in Chicago, the Home of Opportunity. Luella was a Good Girl, who had taken Prizes at the Mission Sunday School, but she was Plain, much. Her Features did not seem to know the value of Team Work. Her Clothes fit her Intermittently, as it were. She was what would be called a […]

A well-fixed Mortgage Shark, residing at a Way Station, had a Daughter whose Experience was not as large as her prospective Bank Roll. She had all the component Parts of a Peach, but she didn’t know how to make a Showing, and there was nobody in Town qualified to give her a quiet Hunch. She […]

Once there was a Bluff whose Long Suit was Glittering Generalities. He hated to Work and it hurt his Eyes to read Law, but on a Clear Day he could be heard a Mile, so he became a Statesman. Whenever the Foresters had a Picnic they invited him to make the Principal Address, because he […]

Now it happens that in America a man who goes up hanging to a Balloon is a Professor. One day a Professor, preparing to make a Grand Ascension, was sorely pestered by Spectators of the Yellow-Hammer Variety, who fell over the Stay-Ropes or crowded up close to the Balloon to ask Fool Questions. They wanted […]

One Night three Well-Bred Young Men, who were entertained at the Best Houses wherever they went, started out to Wreck a College town. They licked two Hackmen, set fire to an Awning, pulled down many Signs, and sent a Brick through the Front Window of a Tailor Shop. All the Residents of the Town went […]

One morning a Modern Solomon, who had been chosen to preside as Judge in a Divorce Mill, climbed to his Perch and unbuttoned his Vest for the Wearisome Grind. He noticed that the first Case looming up on the Docket was that of Flora Botts vs. Adolph Botts. The Applicant, Mrs. Botts, and Adolph, the […]

Once Upon a Time there was a Specialty Team doing Seventeen Minutes. The Props used in the Act included a Hatchet, a Brick, a Seltzer Bottle, two inflated Bladders and a Slap-Stick. The Name of the Team was Zoroaster and Zendavesta. These two Troupers began their Professional Career with a Road Circus, working on Canvas […]

An Illinois Squab came home from Business College with a Zebra Collar and a pair of Tan Shoes big enough for a Coal Miner. When he alighted from the depot one of Ezry Folloson’s Dray Horses fell over, stricken with the Cramp Colic. The usual Drove of Prominent Citizens who had come down to see […]

A certain Preacher became wise to the Fact that he was not making a Hit with his Congregation. The Parishioners did not seem inclined to seek him out after services and tell him he was a Pansy. He suspected that they were Rapping him on the Quiet. The Preacher knew there must be Something wrong […]

A comic Lover named George was sitting on the Front Porch with a good Side Hold on your old friend Mabel. They were looking into each other’s Eyes at Close Range and using a rancid Line of Nursery Talk. It was the kind of Conversation calculated to Jar a Person. George murmured that Mabel was […]

A married Couple possessed two Boys named Joseph and Clarence. Joseph was much the older. His Parents brought him up on a Plan of their Own. They would not permit him to play with other Boys for fear that he would soil himself; and learn to be Rude and Boisterous. So they kept Him in […]

In Centreville there lived two husky Young Fellows named Bill and Schuyler–commonly abbreviated to Schuy. They did not find any nourishing Excitement in a Grain Elevator, so they Enlisted to Free Cuba. The Government gave each of them a Slouch Hat and a prehistoric Firearm. They tied Red Handkerchiefs around their Necks and started for […]

Once Upon a Time there was a Broad Girl who had nothing else to do and no Children to look after, so she thought she would be Benevolent. She had scared all the Red Corpuscles out of the 2 by 4 Midget who rotated about her in a Limited Orbit and was known by Courtesy […]

Once upon a Time a Base Ball Fan lay on his Death-Bed. He had been a Rooter from the days of Underhand Pitching. It was simply Pie for him to tell in what year Anse began to play with the Rockfords and what Kelly’s Batting Average was the Year he sold for Ten Thousand. If […]

An A.D.T. Kid carrying a Death Message marked “Rush” stopped in front of a Show Window containing a Picture of James J. Jeffries and began to weep bitterly. A kind-hearted Suburbanite happened to be passing along on his Way to the 5:42 Train. He was carrying a Dog Collar, a Sickle, a Basket of Egg […]

A New York man went to visit a Cousin in the Far West. The name of the Town was Fostoria, Ohio. When he came into Town he had his Watch-Chain on the outside of his Coat, and his Pink Spats were the first ever seen in Fostoria. “Have you a Manicure Parlor in this Beastly […]

Once upon a Time there was a slim Girl with a Forehead which was Shiny and Protuberant, like a Bartlett Pear. When asked to put Something in an Autograph Album she invariably wrote the Following, in a tall, dislocated Back-Hand: “Life is Real; life is Earnest,And the Grave is not its Goal.” That’s the kind […]

The Learned Phrenologist sat in his Office surrounded by his Whiskers. Now and then he put a Forefinger to his Brow and glanced at the Mirror to make sure that he still resembled William Cullen Bryant. Near him, on a Table, was a Pallid Head made of Plaster-of-Paris and stickily ornamented with small Labels. On […]

A stub-nosed Primary Pupil, richly endowed with old-gold Freckles, lived in a one-cylinder Town, far from the corroding influences of the Stock Exchange. He arrived during the age of Board Sidewalks, Congress Gaiters, and Pie for Breakfast. The Paper Collar, unmindful of the approaching Celluloid, was still affected by the more tony Dressers. Prison-made Bow […]

Elam was the main Whizzer in a huddle of Queen Annes, bounded on the North by a gleaming Cemetery, on the East by a limping subdivision, on the South by a deserted Creamery, and on the West by an expanse of Stubble. Claudine was the other two-thirds of the Specialty. She was a snappy little […]

One day in the pink dawn of the present Century, a man with his Hair neatly set back around the Ears and the usual Blood Pressure was whizzing through a suburban Lonesomeness on a teetering Trolley. The name of the man was Mr. Pallzey. He had a desk with a Concern that did merchandizing in […]

Once there was a full-blown Wild Peach, registered in the Family Bible as Susan Mahaly. Her Pap divided his time between collecting at a Toll-Gate and defending the Military Reputation of Andy Jackson. The family dwelt in what was then regarded by Cambridge, Mass., as the Twilight Zone of Semi-Culture, viz., Swigget County, Pennsylvania. Susan […]

Once upon a time a Lad with Cinnamon Hair and wide blue Eyes lived in a half-portion Town. He had received more than 2000 Tickets for answering “Here” at the M. E. Sunday School. His kinfolk hoped that some day he would be President of the Town Board. Shortly after he learned to roll a […]

Once upon a time, out in the Rubber Boot Reservation, the Stork came staggering up to a Frame Dwelling with a hefty Infant. The arrival was under the Zodiacal Sign of Taurus, the Bull. Every Omen was propitious. When the Gallery was admitted, on the third day, the gaping Spectators observed that the Youngun had […]

Once there was a provincial Tradesman who gave his Yokemate a Christmas Present. It was a kind of Dingus formerly exhibited on the What-Not in almost every polite Home. By peering through at the twin Photographs and working it like a Slide Trombone, one could get ravishing glimpses of Trafalgar Square, Lake Como, and the […]

Once upon a time Ferdinand breathed right into Adele’s translucent Listener those three Words which hold all Records as monosyllabic Trouble-Makers. They have a harmless look on the Printed Page, but when pulled at the Psychological turn of the Road, they become the Funeral Knell of Bachelor Freedom and a Prelude to cutting the String […]

Once there was a story-book Stripling who uncoupled himself from a Yahoo Settlement and moseyed up to the Congested Crossings and the Electric Signs. In due time he returned, wearing Gloves and with his Teeth full of Gold. Ever since that historic Example it has been the daily desire of the Yokel, staked down in […]

Once there was a Litry Guy who would don his Undertaker’s Regalia and the White Satin Puff Tie and go out of an Afternoon to read a Paper to the Wimmen. At every Tea Battle and Cookie Carnival he was hailed as the Big Hero. A good many pulsating Dulcineas who didn’t know what “Iconoclast” […]

Once there was a leading Citizen with only one Daughter, but she was Some Offspring. Bernice was chief Expense Account and Crown Jewel of a Real Estate Juggler who had done so well that all the Strap-Hangers regarded him as an Enemy to Society. Papa was foolish, even as a Weasel. He was what you […]